For those of you who know me, you’ve probably heard those words from my mouth countless times, but now it’s time for me to come clean.
I’m really not okay.
I try, really hard to be anywhere near okay. But in reality I’ve never felt so far from something so simple.
Thoughts consume my mind, a lot of them being “What ifs”, I attempt to push them away yet they grab at my imagination. Every story I’ve attempted is morbid, dark, and involves death somewhere. Most people tell me: “You can’t think that way… you just can’t.”
Well what I’d like to know is how do I do this? How do I live with someone I’ve never had to live without? How can I wake up in the morning knowing my best friend is gone? By no means am I saying I want to end my life or anything, but the fact is I think I’m going through some depression.
And today I realized something.
I lost someone, and not just anyone but my mother. I lost my best friend, my biggest fan, my partner in crime. I’m not meant to be okay right now, I’m allowed to hurt, and I’m allowed to let my mind wander.
When I say “I’m okay”I realize that I say that for your benefit and not mine. Because who wants to hang out with the girl who’s “not okay”? No one, and i don’t want people to see me differently even though I’m not the same person I was in September.
And that’s just okay.