I Can’t Stop.

I’m not screaming at anyone.

I’m not acting on impulse.

I’m not laying in bed watching sad movies and feeling sorry for myself.

None of that today.

I’m just really pissed off, and for some reason today just feels like a bad day to be pissed off.

Not to mention I’m hung over, again.

The “adult” figures in my life have expressed their concern, but honestly I really don’t care… at all.

Why would I want to sit around and do nothing, when others are drinking and smoking?

I mean obviously I’m not making the best life choices most days, a year ago that would matter.

Unfortunately, time kept moving, I stopped caring, and so did everyone else.

Today just sucks, I don’t like it.

Most days I go for that “positive outlook” on life, ya know try to make other people see the good that I already see.

Except today is not most days, today is a day where I sit around and briefly acknowledge all the issues I’m not yet ready to face.

Ever do that? Know there’s an issue in your life you should take care of, but you don’t know how therefore you don’t?

It’s fucking annoying.

So here’s what I do, I smoke a bowl, take a shot and go back to bed. Because being intoxicated is so much easier than living with all this pain.

If you talked to anyone I know, they would tell you I like to make light of my situations, and I do.

That’s also because it’s just so much easier to be funny about it, than to let anyone know how much this really hurts.

It hurts in ways I didn’t know I could hurt. It hurts so bad that no self destruction would help.

You can’t inflict enough pain, to forget about losing someone.

And you sure as hell can’t do anything to bring them back.


One comment

  1. I’m not an adult and I question my figure, but I do care. I’m not very good at this whole advice thing, but I’m going to pittifully try.
    The pain you feel right now and the pain you have felt over this last year is something I’m not even going to pretend to comprehend. But this perpetual cycle is something you and I both know you’re better than. To try and drown out all the suffering and agony is easy. It dulls the senses, for awhile. But the easy choice isn’t always the right choice. To go on after something like that is hard. Very hard. The burden is going to be rough, and possibly permanent. But you have looks. You have brains. And you have a heart.
    You say you don’t know what your first step should be. But you know what it is. It’s taking yourself out of this mess, getting your diploma and getting to college. At the very least it’s pulling yourself up and finding help. Sitting around and doing nothing is useless but helping yourself is better than drinking.
    Why should you do this? For one yourself, and if that’s not enough, for me. It truly pains me to see my editor, my band mate, a friend with so much talent and potential treat herself to a life that I know is far below what she deserves. I want you to not just walk and breathe Mesa, I want you to live, to take this crazy ball of shit we call life and create something amazing out of it.
    Maybe all of what I’ve said is cliche, repetitive words you’ve heard 100 times over. But by god Mesa, you have every gift to succeed in this world. And you deserve to make damn sure it remembers you for more than just suffering, but for the incredible women you are.

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