depression

It Gets Better: Part Two


In 2011, I stumbled across a project, many celebrities partake in this project as well as many kids who have been bullied. It’s called the It Gets Better project, and it’s from people who have made it through all the hard stuff they faced in life for people who struggle through the day. I fell in love with the idea, and did a video of my own.

Unfortunately I was embarrassed and took it down. In this video I shared with people the pain I’d been through when I was a kid, I exposed my open wounds, my past being bullied. I took a moment to share with everyone that despite the fact that I got teased, being told I looked like a boy, being mocked and laughed, I made it. I shared with everyone that you can make it through really difficult things.

Now it is 2014, and I am in this really destructive mind-set, that everyone I’ve ever needed is gone. I try every day to think that things will get better, and ultimately I fail. I get angry at myself because I’m not living the way that everyone else is, and therefore, I look like a failure. I come up with great ideas to make things, learn to knit a new project, or do something inspiring, but I knock myself down because I can hear people chastising me about the cost of supplies, or how this isn’t a “future”. 

This is worse than bullying, my life has been warped into this idea of school, more school, work, bills, and death.

Why do you get to judge, criticize, and damage me, because I see this life differently? I do not see all the money, the obligations, I see that no matter how hard you work, no matter if you pay your bills on time, no matter how picture perfect you think your family is, bad things will still happen. Bad things will still happen to all the people who did life the “right way” because that is how life works, so someone please take a moment to explain to me, why I am wrong? Tell me why I am wrong, for thinking that I should spend my time exploring this beautiful place, and doing things to enrich my mind, body, and soul, and not my damn bank account?

It is 2014, and things are not better, things are a whole new slew of worse, but I will not let that stop me. You people can judge, mock, laugh, do whatever you need to do to feel good. I am done pretending, done molding to your expectations, I want to live my life the way I was intended to. I want to go outside, and not worry about all these stupid rules we have. I want to be able to live my life, without people telling me I am wrong for it. 

So, I suppose things are not better, and they won’t be better until I fix it myself. You cannot rely on anyone to be there for you, even if they are your person, your family, or ‘the one’. You can hope that you picked some good people to support you, but they cannot do the work for you. Things will get better, it will get better, and when it does, I will have no one to thank other than myself. 

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#aprilmoon2014


Ready for a confession of sorts?

This life that we’re stuck in, and yes I do mean stuck, forced me to build layers of courage within myself.
I am sick.
I am alone.
I am different.
I am realistic.
Now, before it seems as though I think the world is against me, let me explain myself:
My job, that I love,  expressed that it was okay to be sick, and that made me feel like I was working in a safe environment where my illness wouldn’t define me. I have been sent home, in hopes of sleeping it off, or finding a better solution. I have called in, knowing I would be hurting this business  more than helping if I went in said condition.  I am now on a medical leave of absence to get this “situation” under control, against my will.
My brothers and sisters are all over the place, living their lives with their families,  and while I love my new living situation,  and wouldn’t trade it for anything,  I do miss my sense of family,  the reality of my family. 
I like weird music, I don’t like getting drunk with my friends, I’d rather read a book or teach myself how to knit.
And yet I am not accepted by the general public,  people think I am hurting their business,  abandoning my family, or rebelling against society.  Courage to me, means waking up every day and proving the world wrong. One day, people will stop being so blind to illness, people will understand that life gets in the way, and that not everyone can mold to these expectations society has made up over time.
That you HAVE to go to college right after high school.
That tattoos are just regrets waiting to happen.
Piercings are weird.
Alternative medicine is just drugs.
Having an opinion that’s different is wrong.
That speaking up is innaproprate.
That one is my favorite.
Let me scream at the top of my lungs to high school seniors that taking a year off was the best decision I ever made.
Let me laugh at the ignorant,  while I tell them that I could never hate this ink within me. And that my piercings aren’t for looks.
I will some day tell those who do not believe in alternative forms of medication, that sometimes its the only solution when a pill full of who-knows-what doesn’t do me any harm nor does it help me. I will tell them that it makes me feel like my body isn’t about to burst into millions of pieces, because it’s the only medicine that helps. Then I’ll laugh, and tell them it’s the best way to calm the fuck down.
Let me some day converse with those who disagree with me, let me tell them that their opinions are well and respected,  but they are not mine and that should be okay.
One day it might be okay, but until then I will continue my battle, I will keep my head high and no one will knock me down. 

That’s what courage really is.