Happiness

It Gets Better: Part Two


In 2011, I stumbled across a project, many celebrities partake in this project as well as many kids who have been bullied. It’s called the It Gets Better project, and it’s from people who have made it through all the hard stuff they faced in life for people who struggle through the day. I fell in love with the idea, and did a video of my own.

Unfortunately I was embarrassed and took it down. In this video I shared with people the pain I’d been through when I was a kid, I exposed my open wounds, my past being bullied. I took a moment to share with everyone that despite the fact that I got teased, being told I looked like a boy, being mocked and laughed, I made it. I shared with everyone that you can make it through really difficult things.

Now it is 2014, and I am in this really destructive mind-set, that everyone I’ve ever needed is gone. I try every day to think that things will get better, and ultimately I fail. I get angry at myself because I’m not living the way that everyone else is, and therefore, I look like a failure. I come up with great ideas to make things, learn to knit a new project, or do something inspiring, but I knock myself down because I can hear people chastising me about the cost of supplies, or how this isn’t a “future”. 

This is worse than bullying, my life has been warped into this idea of school, more school, work, bills, and death.

Why do you get to judge, criticize, and damage me, because I see this life differently? I do not see all the money, the obligations, I see that no matter how hard you work, no matter if you pay your bills on time, no matter how picture perfect you think your family is, bad things will still happen. Bad things will still happen to all the people who did life the “right way” because that is how life works, so someone please take a moment to explain to me, why I am wrong? Tell me why I am wrong, for thinking that I should spend my time exploring this beautiful place, and doing things to enrich my mind, body, and soul, and not my damn bank account?

It is 2014, and things are not better, things are a whole new slew of worse, but I will not let that stop me. You people can judge, mock, laugh, do whatever you need to do to feel good. I am done pretending, done molding to your expectations, I want to live my life the way I was intended to. I want to go outside, and not worry about all these stupid rules we have. I want to be able to live my life, without people telling me I am wrong for it. 

So, I suppose things are not better, and they won’t be better until I fix it myself. You cannot rely on anyone to be there for you, even if they are your person, your family, or ‘the one’. You can hope that you picked some good people to support you, but they cannot do the work for you. Things will get better, it will get better, and when it does, I will have no one to thank other than myself. 

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Happy Anniversary!


Three years ago, I wrote silly nonsense. To show you how much I’ve changed as a person, and as a writer I have decided to take something I wrote in a personal journal and change it into something meaningful.

This light was so much brighter, yet it never felt as bright as the others in fact it didn’t feel bright at all. Even though this light was the brightest, it only looked as average as all those other lights which made this light seem like everyone else. This light never realized how special it was, and in the end burned out without knowing what it was like to shine. 

This is one of my favorite little scribbles, ya know, the random ones you find in the top corner of a page in your favorite journal. 

For me, looking back on this means so much to me, and reading it after I wrote this two years ago it means more than it did then. This would be my rendition of the original work.

Every day you see simple things. A light bulb in a pretty lamp, so simple, right? Wrong, that bulb, produces light. Providing something we all take for granted, that light bulb started out as a simple ‘what if’ and became someones success. We are all light bulbs, each of us starts out as a simple ‘what if’, and some of us burn out, some of us shine naturally. But what about the people who don’t feel like anything much? We see so many people who believe they are better than us, then there are the people who are better than us. I feel like just a simple light bulb, one that shines just as bright as everyone else. I walk through this life, doing what I’m told, doing what I need to do, but there is more to me. I am big, I am powerful, I started off as a ‘what if’ and I’ve overcome the odds. I’ve flourished where I could have perished. I shine so bright, yet I feel so simple. I want to know what it feels like to shine so bright, yet instead my glass has been cracked, my wires fried. I live this life, not knowing what it’s like to shine. 

 

Happy Anniversary, and thank you to everyone who has read my work, and encouraged me as a writer, and a person. 

Catch Up and Move On


Purl the right side.

Knit the wrong side.

Eighty stitches per row.

Blue yarn.

Green Yarn.

As you can tell, I’ve been doing a lot of knitting. Not many projects, just a blanket, and it’s been a really exciting project. For some reason it makes me feel really great, and I suppose that’s due to the fact that I am creating something. I am getting away from the world, and I’m making something. It’s an amazing feeling.

And maybe today I should be talking about my mom because it’s mothers day, but I just can’t do that.

So instead I will talk about knitting, or the mass amount of Grey’s Anatomy I’ve been watching.

I’ll talk about the twenty mile bike ride I went on, and how I slammed my leg into my pedal.

Today I will talk about things that aren’t so personal, because, well I cannot rip off the band-aid, and tell you all the beautiful things a survivor can say.

I cannot tell you that today is a good day, because today is an agonizing day, today I mourn what many others get to celebrate. 

I cannot tell you that I was sad the moment I woke up and realized I wouldn’t be making my mother breakfast in bed, as I’d done every year for a very long time. 

I cannot tell you that today is a day where I reflect on my pain, because today, I am soaking in my pain. 

And I don’t need anyone to tell me it’s going to be okay, no one is going to call me today and ask me how I’m doing.

I’m fine with that. 

People say it’s good to talk about things, get the sad things out of your head. I just cannot. 

My mother was a person that not many got the opportunity to meet, and I got to meet her. 

Not only did I get to meet her, but I got to love this woman. This woman who never really knew how amazing she was. I got to meet a woman who struggled, a woman who lived a very difficult life, yet every day woke up just for me. I got to meet a woman who knew what love was, who knew what family was. I knew a woman who taught me to be a woman. 

I met a woman who was taken from me too soon. Had I known she was going to go away I would have made sure she knew all the great things about her. People loved my mom, she was the one who could make anyone feel better when they felt like their world was in shambles. She would help anyone out in a moments notice, and yet for some reason, my mom had no one. My mom didn’t have anyone helping her when our world was in shambles, and it was in shambles for a long time.

If I would have known that I was never going to be able to talk to her again I would have said all the right things.

I would have told her that she was beautiful, the prettiest woman who ever lived. I would have told her that I will never meet anyone as strong as her, I will never see that fight in anyone else’s eyes the way I saw it in her. I would have said that I appreciated everything she gave up to make sure that my life was worth living, even though I only needed her in order to be happy. I would have told her that no one is ever going to be my best friend the way she was, no one will make make laugh, or cry, or scream the way she did. I would have told her that she could say anything, and I’d only be mad for a second, because every second we have in precious. 

Part of me doesn’t want to share this with you. Actually, all of my is screaming not to post this for the world to see. But then she wouldn’t be seen, and her whole life, no one saw her. No one saw that beautiful, strong woman that I loved with every inch of me, so I will not share my mother with you. 

I will share the impact she had on me. Knowing that woman, sharing her blood, her spirit, well, it’s made me into a person worth seeing. She taught me all the things no one could teach her, and I wish I could share that all with her now, but instead I will share with you. My fallen angel, turned me into something worth sharing.

 

Insanity Might Be The Case


Some days are good days.

 I like those days, they feel happy and light, they make the whole living process seem simple.

As much as I love having a good day, of course I have a load of bad days. 

 I mean horrible, dreadful, sad fucking days. 

Yet now I realize that bad days aren’t the hard days. 

    It’s the good days that are hard.

Sure, it’s easy to let every bad event make you mad, to feel like the world is against you is easier than saying

No world, today is not your day.

But it’s not easy to wake up every day and say

out loud

to whoever is or is not listening

Okay day, I’m gonna kick your ass.

Because there is a lot that can happen in a day, and instead of being free spirited, and open to anything, we try to hide ourselves in this indestructible box, with the idea that nothing bad can happen to us.

Unfortunately, we were not made with the option of being invincible, or free of hurt, pain, destruction. We were made for just the opposite.

We feel to live

We live to die

But since we’re here we might as well wake up every day

just to say

Today is for me. 

Simple Excuses


Take my fingertips, and press them against your

secrets

Take my palms, and press them against your

hopes.

Take my sight, and show me your

soul.

Let’s just make this quick and take every part of me

and show me every part of you.

I want to feel what you’ve felt

I want to hear what you’ve been told

I want to see what you’ve faced.

But I’m blind 

deaf

numb

to everything I’ve ever thought I could love.

So I’m sorry but right now is not a good time.

My fingertips hurt and my palms are too sweaty.

Maybe if you come back I’ll be around to try again.

We both know this is never going to end.

It will always be a dance between our souls.

And do you remember that one time I told you to never let go?

I’m sorry that you did, and I’m sorry I let you.

But this is where we are now, and I don’t mean to offend you, it’s time to let go. 

We are forever bound this we know, so do me a favor

Go see the world

Read a book

Meet a girl

Save a life.

Go live this life and I promise you’ll see 

My happiness in every kindness you ever receive. 

I’m not yours but I’m forever there, in that place when everything was simple and fair. 

#reverb12 Day 12: Your most intense emotions?


Hello everyone, and happy 12/12/12! I know you’ve seen it all over Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, what have you but I just figured I’d wish it happy for you and hopefully you are all having a fantastic Wednesday.

Today was a rough day for me, today was the first day that I wasn’t just hit with a few minutes of sadness about my mom, but the whole day was a tad depressing to me. I made it through the day though, and I will make it through many more though I know there will be more days like this to come.

As for our exciting #reverb12 prompt, I shall talk about my most intense emotion. Which again is a tough one, being the extrovert I am I feel all emotions very strongly. At the end of the day I do feel my strongest emotion is pride, a complex emotion, but an emotion none the less.

I feel pride is my most intense emotion because I am reminded by so many things that no matter what I’ve been through that I am still here, and that in itself is enough to feel one hundred emotions alone.  I am here, and I am strong, and I am a good person. I have pride in everything I do and that makes my days feel a little more important.

It is  hard to stay positive though, not just because my mom died, and not just for me either. I believe staying in a positive mood and seeing everything in an optimistic light is a challenge for everyone. It’s so easy to be mad at someone, or to think life is dreadful, to kick yourself for doing poorly on a test. It’s hard to walk away and think it will all be okay.  Because in that exact moment it doesn’t feel okay, and at times it feels like nothing will ever be right. Some days it’s okay to feel that way, but if you spend every day thinking in such a negative manner one will never reach the full potential of their life.

Whisper to yourself:

It’s okay, I did good, Everything will be fine, I’m here

I know it sounds crazy, but sometimes the positive reinforcement helps. To have pride in yourself and everything you do isn’t something that just happens over night. It takes a lot of work, practice, and most importantly patience. Bad things are going to happen (trust me I know) that will make you feel like the smallest thing on the planet. Some days I feel insignificant, and honestly it’s just sad. But then I whisper I’m here and I don’t care if others look at me like I’m a schizophrenic, their not the ones who are making me feel good about me so to hell with em’!

It’s okay to have a bad day, or two, or twenty, but don’t let it consume your life. You have complete control, so take a deep breath, smile and whisper It will be okay. And take pride in every single thing you do!

Have a fantastic night all 🙂

 

So Maybe I Lied


Zen Peter Lik

I know I said I would wait until next Monday to update this lovely little blog, but I just couldn’t stay away.

For about a year I’ve been following http://www.kindovermatter.com/ a wonderful blog that belongs to a wonderful woman. Some of her posts have made me laugh, and some I cried. Today I had the pleasure to be a guest blogger on her blog (the latest post is from me). What I wrote about was when I was sick as a sophomore in high school, and when I wrote it it was hard, it’s not something I enjoyed talking about for a long time because it made me feel like I was weak.

Since that horrific event I’ve come out a much stronger person, I don’t have a problem talking about what happened to me. Instead I find it refreshing to show people that something shitty did happen to me, but luckily I’m back on my feet and making the most of my life. I still get scared that I will wake up tomorrow and not be able to feel my legs, but I don’t let it hold me back. I smile and remember that I’m a survivor.

Life throws obstacles at us, if we never had to face hardships, or power through something we wouldn’t be unique. We would all be boring, weak, souls. But you and me are so much more than weak souls. I know that sometimes it’s easier to see the bad in things, (trust me I’ve been through a lot of dark times for only being 18 years old) but if you just try a little harder to see the positive in things it makes life so much easier.

We could all have so much hate in our hearts because it’s easier to hate than to forgive and move on. After three awesome and fun years, I just recently went through my first major break-up (and believe me it was not a pretty break-up). I was pretty sure I hated him, I was mad all the time, and let his hurtful words and actions bring me down. It’s been about a month since we broke up and I forgive him, he may not think he did anything that requires forgiveness but I don’t really care about what he thinks anymore. I felt that it was too much energy to be mad about what happened, we broke up, it happens. I miss him as a friend, but it’s for the best and I’m moving on. I don’t need to hate him, or pretend like he wasn’t a part of my life because he was, but I don’t have to hate him. Maybe we’ll be friends again in the future, but if we’re not I’ll still sleep okay at night. I’m finally living my life and discovering who I am, and I’m discovering that I love who I am, and I don’t need anyone else to love me for me.

Maybe you’re angry at someone, maybe the cashier at Pick N’ Save pissed you off, maybe your kids have been giving you a hard time. Just remember you’re fortunate to have money to afford your groceries, and that you’re kids are healthy enough to give you a hard time now and then (and sometimes it’s okay for you to give them a hard time back.) So I challenge you to look for the positive things in life, instead of picking out all the bad.

Have a super awesome week,

Mesa