Teen

Simple Misunderstandings


Understand this and only this.
There is no end to the madness.
Whenever it feels like it may be over
The second you feel like you can breathe
Those are the moments you should fear the most.
No one knows why this is.
And honestly there is no reason to question it.
When you begin to question the things that should remain unknown
You begin to flirt with death.
Situations like that never end well my dear.
I know many things you’ll never care about.
I know many things none of you may never know about.
You notice me when you see me.
But when you notice me it’s only what you can see with those
Shallow eyes.
Never will you see me for what I was intended to be.
Not until I rip this mask from my face, and show you all the demons inside of me.
Even then, when I have everything exposed before you
EVEN THEN
You still just will not see me.
Instead you’ll take a quick peek into yourself and see all the imperfections
The ones you never quite wanted to believe.
I will ruin you, everything you ever loved about yourself
Destroyed.
And what for?
Just so you can hear about my poor lost soul?

It Gets Better: Part Two


In 2011, I stumbled across a project, many celebrities partake in this project as well as many kids who have been bullied. It’s called the It Gets Better project, and it’s from people who have made it through all the hard stuff they faced in life for people who struggle through the day. I fell in love with the idea, and did a video of my own.

Unfortunately I was embarrassed and took it down. In this video I shared with people the pain I’d been through when I was a kid, I exposed my open wounds, my past being bullied. I took a moment to share with everyone that despite the fact that I got teased, being told I looked like a boy, being mocked and laughed, I made it. I shared with everyone that you can make it through really difficult things.

Now it is 2014, and I am in this really destructive mind-set, that everyone I’ve ever needed is gone. I try every day to think that things will get better, and ultimately I fail. I get angry at myself because I’m not living the way that everyone else is, and therefore, I look like a failure. I come up with great ideas to make things, learn to knit a new project, or do something inspiring, but I knock myself down because I can hear people chastising me about the cost of supplies, or how this isn’t a “future”. 

This is worse than bullying, my life has been warped into this idea of school, more school, work, bills, and death.

Why do you get to judge, criticize, and damage me, because I see this life differently? I do not see all the money, the obligations, I see that no matter how hard you work, no matter if you pay your bills on time, no matter how picture perfect you think your family is, bad things will still happen. Bad things will still happen to all the people who did life the “right way” because that is how life works, so someone please take a moment to explain to me, why I am wrong? Tell me why I am wrong, for thinking that I should spend my time exploring this beautiful place, and doing things to enrich my mind, body, and soul, and not my damn bank account?

It is 2014, and things are not better, things are a whole new slew of worse, but I will not let that stop me. You people can judge, mock, laugh, do whatever you need to do to feel good. I am done pretending, done molding to your expectations, I want to live my life the way I was intended to. I want to go outside, and not worry about all these stupid rules we have. I want to be able to live my life, without people telling me I am wrong for it. 

So, I suppose things are not better, and they won’t be better until I fix it myself. You cannot rely on anyone to be there for you, even if they are your person, your family, or ‘the one’. You can hope that you picked some good people to support you, but they cannot do the work for you. Things will get better, it will get better, and when it does, I will have no one to thank other than myself. 

We live to learn


I’m a sixteen year old high school girl and I have not yet talked about my summer- weird? I’d agree with you. I hadn’t been thrilled about summer when about three weeks I found out I had failed one class and my mom had said words that were to ruin the next three empty months of my life, she had said “Marisa, you’re grounded for the whole summer.

I was devestated, I had three months ahead of me, hardly any summer homework and my brother was hardly home so it’s not like we were hanging out much, it was horrible, then I started summer school, finished it the day I started and bam! Hello Summer!

Since I’ve regained my freedom I’ve had a lot of fun, I’ve spent most days with my boyfriend and we’ve had a lot of fun together, we’ve sat outside, gone for walks, played video games, and we even went to a softball game! We’ve had a really great time together so far, next week Tuesday is our year and a half anniversary and as of now our plans are to go out to dinner and then go to a festivel to watch fireworks, I have so many great ideas for the rest of the summer and I can’twait for the rest of the fun.

Yesterday I went to summerfest (and those of you who know about summerfest, it was the best!) with my mom, my brother, and his friend Robert. We had so much fun and we saw this 12 year old, he was amazing! His name is Quinn Sullivan, and he was absolutley stunning. For lunch we went to Spin and it was probably the coolest place I ever had lunch at, it’s a bar and resturaunt AND you can play ping pong there! It was super duper cool. Once we came back from lunch we looked for a good spot to sit for the Big Bang and then we waited for two hours, and although the wait was long it was so unbelievably worth it.

I believe this is only week four of summer and I can’t wait for the rest to come! 🙂

If anyone has any cheap ideas for me to do this summer (I live in Wisconsin if that helps) please feel free to leave a comment, or email me at mesamendoza15@gmail.com