It Gets Better: Part Two

In 2011, I stumbled across a project, many celebrities partake in this project as well as many kids who have been bullied. It’s called the It Gets Better project, and it’s from people who have made it through all the hard stuff they faced in life for people who struggle through the day. I fell in love with the idea, and did a video of my own.

Unfortunately I was embarrassed and took it down. In this video I shared with people the pain I’d been through when I was a kid, I exposed my open wounds, my past being bullied. I took a moment to share with everyone that despite the fact that I got teased, being told I looked like a boy, being mocked and laughed, I made it. I shared with everyone that you can make it through really difficult things.

Now it is 2014, and I am in this really destructive mind-set, that everyone I’ve ever needed is gone. I try every day to think that things will get better, and ultimately I fail. I get angry at myself because I’m not living the way that everyone else is, and therefore, I look like a failure. I come up with great ideas to make things, learn to knit a new project, or do something inspiring, but I knock myself down because I can hear people chastising me about the cost of supplies, or how this isn’t a “future”. 

This is worse than bullying, my life has been warped into this idea of school, more school, work, bills, and death.

Why do you get to judge, criticize, and damage me, because I see this life differently? I do not see all the money, the obligations, I see that no matter how hard you work, no matter if you pay your bills on time, no matter how picture perfect you think your family is, bad things will still happen. Bad things will still happen to all the people who did life the “right way” because that is how life works, so someone please take a moment to explain to me, why I am wrong? Tell me why I am wrong, for thinking that I should spend my time exploring this beautiful place, and doing things to enrich my mind, body, and soul, and not my damn bank account?

It is 2014, and things are not better, things are a whole new slew of worse, but I will not let that stop me. You people can judge, mock, laugh, do whatever you need to do to feel good. I am done pretending, done molding to your expectations, I want to live my life the way I was intended to. I want to go outside, and not worry about all these stupid rules we have. I want to be able to live my life, without people telling me I am wrong for it. 

So, I suppose things are not better, and they won’t be better until I fix it myself. You cannot rely on anyone to be there for you, even if they are your person, your family, or ‘the one’. You can hope that you picked some good people to support you, but they cannot do the work for you. Things will get better, it will get better, and when it does, I will have no one to thank other than myself. 

#Reverb13: The Clock is Dead

I never asked for much.

I never asked for money we didn’t have.

I never asked for a nicer house.

I never asked You to make my parents love each other when they couldn’t. 

Oh God believe me when I say I don’t need much, please believe me when I tell You that I never expected anything.

I waited my turn, and I waited oh so patiently.

Giving up my spot in line to those just a little bit more sad than me. 

I never strayed away, never got mad, I knew that when my turn came I’d be thankful for all that You’d do for me. 

Now I’ve been waiting in this line for nineteen years and my feet are tired.

I’ve lost in this line more than I’ve won.

Oh Lord is it ever going to be my turn?

I wasn’t asking then but I’m asking now.

Should I put my blind faith in the idea that You’re doing your best?

That you can’t get to me til’ you’ve helped all the rest?

I want to believe that’s true, 

but after all this time it’s near impossible to do.

So for now I’m throwing in the towel, I hate to say that my faith isn’t enough these days.

Someone somewhere needs You more than I do, and I know your head is in the right place.

I’m sorry that my beliefs are shaken, but what more can I do when I’ve waited and waited with not even a sign.

I’m not ready to grieve with You over what my life has become, because this war I’m fighting I’ve come out undone. 

 

 

 

#Reverb13: Acceptance.

Over the past year I can definitely say that I was in denial about a lot of things. Not only that, but I was also ignoring the problems that were right in front of me.

I turned to alternative methods to make myself feel better. I started drinking more, smoking all the time, it really wasn’t pretty. But it did make me feel good, being in a haze-like state helped me forget all the shit I’d been put through.

It was a random night during an average week when I finally asked myself what the hell I was doing.

I’m a musician, a writer, a reader, an attempted knitter. I have so many talents and hobbies, and instead I was spending most of my nights drinking and smoking, doing nothing productive in the process.

After that night I started writing more, I’d like to say that my technique and style has more than improved. 

I started reading more, making the time to do so. 

Honestly I went back to living. I let substance trick me into thinking it controlled me.

I control me, I chose where I’m going, and I’m the only one who can accept my past and move on.

No drink, nor drug and bring back all that I’ve lost, and when I thought about that everything else seemed pretty insignificant. 

This year what made my soul feel nourished was accepting that life is going to hit you in so many ways, good or bad. Life is going to put you through every emotion possible, and most days you’ll feel drained and wasted. Taking time to understand that what happens to you is inevitable, that you need to take control of your actions and emotions could really strengthen you as a person. Knowing that the little things that upset you won’t affect you in ten years is really liberating. Almost as if it’s all the weight lifted off your shoulders.